...
Wednesday January 19.

We sat down to lunch and ordered a cold noodle bowl and hot short rib plate. "Exactly what I needed," as she would say later.

We continued to talk about my friend, codenamed '1101,' whom I was still startled to learn was kind of a dog around girls, chasing tail wherever he went, girlfriend or not. This made me less sympathetic about his loss of his previous girlfriend, whom I would see the next day and dammmmn she looked good, all long hair and tight top and midriff, go ahead! Anyway.
But from this part of the conversation she concluded that I focus too much on ideas and less on person, that I treat things too much like a debate, and that my genuine compassionate nature allows me to bypass judgment on but also causes me to ignore criticism of actual people; she claimed that ultimately, this makes me naive when it comes to people. And from this, I asked in my own head later on (possibly in defense, but mostly to challenge her argument, staying true to me, since I love to debate):
1) "You've declared that you love the interaction of people, that you like how social and cultural changes effect their environment. But how much less is your interest an infatuation with an idea than mine? While pursuing our interests in a social setting we are both engaging in conversation with other people. It happens that mine is based in ideals, wordplay, and intellect, while yours is based in character and mannerism. If anything, by asking questions of them, I still gain insight into their personality, which is the goal, right?"
and 2) "oh and you breaking up with me, telling me about a new man a week later, talking about your sexual experience with him a week later, telling me you're still in love with me but going down on another man that night and I'm the naive one? I could easily think you're just some horny girl [bitch] who has her [poontang] pie and wants it eaten to. But I don't. And so maybe its only because I am naive that you can even talk to me and assume I'm your friend."
But of course, I've only spoken those thoughts to other people because, yup I'm a little bitch! And its not like I'm hella reading into them, its that I'm commenting on them, because hers were comments on my personality. If you want to know me reading into something, keep reading.

Meanwhile I was still quite excited about my meeting with my counselor and wanted to tell her and have her be excited for me. But I held back because I was deciding how to say it, how much detail to give and with what energy to use, imagining what her reaction would be.
Spooning the cold and thick lramyun and its mud colored soup into her bowl, she adds vinegar and kimchee. I tell her about how my mother attempted to make kimchee, which garners a look of surprise and recognition until I say the spice was from a powdered mix, after which she claims an air of superiority.

"You always choose the opposite standpoint when someone says something. You're always trying to debate."
"I'm just trying to challenge them, I mean, if they're capable of having that type of conversation."
"Yeah but not everyone is capable."

In my head, I later wondered if she made a point to point this out as a "flaw" because she herself is so used to complete and unconditional acceptance, drawn from her ability to so easily capture admiration with her drunk lap dances and breast grabbing. Though apparently this new guy yells at her, which causes her to become silent and think she was spoiled by my nice and chill nature. But whatever, her new boyfriend will be fucking eating out of her hand when she decides to have a threesome with him. I wonder if he'll ever slap her. And if he does, I wonder if I'll laugh.

"When I talk to people, I choose to be devil's advocate, there's a purpose; you, you do it naturally," she says between juicy slurps of that soup. By now it's become thinly-watered mud with swirls of blood and specks of dirt [kimchee paste and spices].
"So what does that make me?"
"The devil." Oh how hilarity ensues and we all slap our knees and squirt chrysanthemum tea out our noses. Well not really, just some laughs, but it was funny though.

Somewhere we get to talking about us. I forget the details, but I said something that implied a suggestion to our break up.
"That wasn't why we broke up," she said with indignance and disgust, signaled by an actual scoff.
"Wait a second," I thought. If that's not why then what the fuck?
"Do you know why we broke up," she asked with incredulity.
I was going to tell her that "I thought it was because I wasn't considering you enough and giving you more of myself, and sacrificing time and money to see you."
But before I could get through "because," she firmly spat:
"Distance."
That's it? Though of course, I'm sure there's more to it that makes it more complex. Funny how I used that as a reason why we shouldn't get back together a year ago. Extremely funny.

Finally, at a break in the conversation,
"So I think I'll try to come back here," I told her with a bit of anxious non-chalance.
"Don't expect things to be the same," she said immediately, with the coldness of an Alaskan winter.
I was stunned; the least I expected was something with reception and support. But instead I received that. Maybe she could see the hopeful expression on my face and wanted to tear that sucker down like it was the dream of an expendable Peoplesoft employee. Maybe it was how I just spit it out like that without any talk about my meeting with the counselor and how I felt more inspired and confident. Or maybe she was commenting on herself and our relationship. As if I wanted to come back here for you? shoot...pshhhhh.. .. .. .. . [cough, shifty looks down at my feet]. I did feel surprised insulted and discouraged for a moment. Why is unclear.
"I... guess I expected a different reaction from you."
"Sorry, I was just being blunt."
"You know, I'm coming from a professional standpoint; it'll probably be good if I came back to UCLA." I don't know if I was saying this so she could agree with me or if I could save face. But I was definitely thinking about school first. It would take another three maybe five quarters, but the education and degree from UCLA would help me in my career. The only other thing I was conscious of was the money to pay for such a venture.
"Oh, well yeah, that would be good," she conceded.

Later I would see the irony in how just a year ago, she wanted to get back together with me, displaying a feeling of desire and in reply I said that I'd be moving up north. Now come a year later, I tell her I'm thinking of moving back down to LA (for school) and she quips with the opposite. Just funny now that I think about it. Oh how self righteous ye shall be, ye silly contradictory wench!

...
We like drama.

"Well earlier I was talking to someone about my friend's band, well its actually Beau's friends band. One of the founders of LCC, who is in Propagander with Beau, has a group called Illigan and they're performing at Temple Bar. I guess if you wanted to come you should come."

"Ok, but I'll be with some friends. So maybe not." Even though I technically don't need your invitation, seeing as how its one of my favorite spots in LA and I haven't been there for more than 15 months and I hella wanted to go there.

"Ok well, if you decide to come, can you call me? I don't think Beau is ready to meet you."
Odd request, but "OK," I said.

I'm pretty sure that my level of detail in this account is indicative of something so don't remind me. But hey, this whole trip is locked in vivid detail.
So after we leave (I paid, partially remembering how her siblings didn't like me because I didn't pay, and plus its the thing to do, no?) we go back to her apartment. On the way back, I play her some music that I wanted her to hear, specifically "We Rock On" by Five Deez because I was hella feelin it last week. But then we pass "Saian" by Rza and then I show her some Foreign Exchange, and its definitely a chill ride back.

We get back to her place and I can't help but glance as she undresses. Not my fault! I turned my head and she had her door open and she took off her pants! I only glanced, saw her in her underwear and turned around, ok? Damn! Though I wonder now; she left it open.

So she gets in comfortable clothes, and as I show her some music, she reminds me that she has no tracklists for some CDs I had given her in the past. And as I search for the names, I notice she squeezes onto half of the chair I'm in and leans on my shoulder with her arm, you know just like you're looking at the same thing as someone else. And so the physical distance closes. Buuuuuut, nothing happens, though that would be a cool little progression.

"Want to smoke," she asks. For a moment I remember, oh yeah she smokes now and she has a baby pipe. It's like a midget glassie, 2.5 inches. I wonder if her boyfriend is that size. The funny thing here is that over the summer she was cheefin a lot, while throughout the year I took a phatt sabbatical from herbals. And when we met it was so completely opposite. Does anyone remember Audiotistic 2002? No seriously, does anyone actually remember it? [haha] Good times people, trippy good times. So her comfort with the neon broccoli, especially before class, was interesting. Luckily I brought a little sumnsumn from the Bay!

So we were chill! just vibin and listenin and talkin about music, her man's taste in music and how he once played a song that I shared with her, which she thought was interesting because she had always thought of that song as our song. I bet they have sex to that song, whatever it is. I wonder if they do mess around to the CDs I made for our sessions. Though, really, they should, its good vibin music; that's why they're called Soul Mating Sessions. No hard feelings, just hard nipples.

I agreed to attend a PoliSci class with her and we take the Blue Bus 12. She actually tells me to just sit and not talk or ask questions! I forget what we talk about because I was stony but I remember joking with her and she play-smacked me on the forehead and she said "ahh sweaty," cuz it was hot! and while I was looking forward she rubbed her hand on my upper arm and I glanced at her hand and then her and then she stopped and then later at some point she hooked her arm gently into mine, which I looked at, did nothing to stop and looked forward again. [shrug]

We arrived at the Hilgard terminal around 4ish and on the way to Rolph or whatever building it was (I was stony and a former South Campus major, remember?), I ran into an old acquaintance whom I actually forget right now, and I noticed she didn't stop with me. She continued walking and I half jogged to catch up to her, weaving around like a five year old Boeing 420. We got to her class and I quickly realized that it was all about the concept of personal privacy. Quite interesting to learn that PoliSci involved philosophy such as this. So instead of dicking around, I actually took notes on my little Palm V (I have a folding keyboard, neato huh) because hey, these were interesting thoughts; the minute you step outside your door, does your life become public? the idea of copyrighting thoughts and ideas, words, sayings; private ownership of property, the body, and even the mental state (not just thoughts and feelings, but one's own psychology). The fact that these are even issues of debate was interesting.

So after class, we split. I didn't even feel like accompanying her to the bus stop because I was going to meet Joann yatar [a cute and seriously deep (not to be confused with loose) and complex individual from my year with Samahang Modern 2003] and the rest of PCN 2005 cast at 515~530. Dunno, always wanted to connect with her but never really did. She's moving to NY so bugga to that.
I found Nelson and Joann chillin on the walk and bang she was stylin out with her hair and appearance. Actually both of them. Nelson was always quick with the hip-punk-electroclash-glam type of flavor, but she upped it, down to their backpacks and all. Talked a bit about Funks SF and The Bay but totally forgot about showing them anything that I had learned in the past year. Oh yeah, before that PoliSci class I ran into Jeremy, this guy (one of two gays) from Modern 2003.

At the cast meetup, I ran into Nick Perez and Ryan Devera (who is co-captain again and has a sweet new Pentax digital (not sure if vcam), similar design concept as the Sony with the telescoping lens on the right, but smaller and with swivel LCD; ubersweet) before I had to bounce.

I was in a rush because I had to catch the 12 to get to Stephie's place. Stephanie is my absolute first true friend at UCLA, meeting all the way back at orientation and sleeping in her bed the first night I move into the dorms. But as she blurted out drunk one night, I stayed very very still. And I did; I didn't know what the fuck to do in that situation. Maybe it was her way of deciding to put me as friend or not. Anyway, she's my Tink and I had to see her this week and make her dinner.

...
Cheesy run-in.

The sun is setting in a beautiful blue sky as I'm walking past the Ackerman Turnaround and I run into Brie who's sporting a cool silver track jacket. I was to have lunch with Brie on Thursday but this was a fun coincidence.
"My vagina is mad; my vagine is pissed off!"
"..."
"Oh, I'm trying out for a UCLA reproduction of The Vagina Monologues."
She ended up walking with me down to the Genetics building, where I bid adieu to her and her angry pussy.

...
Fateful.

Half a block past, I cross the street to the Medical Plaza side and who do I see but this fine woman on a cell phone. I cock [ahem] my head [ahem] to get a look at her face and who is it but the infamous and better looking fraternal twin to Lucy Liu?
"Waylan!" she half-scream yells.
"Sara!!"

Huge hugging ensues on the crosswalk and its like Pretty Woman all over again, though since I'm economy size, I'd be the cheap hooker. Though you would get quite the bang for your buck, I tell ya hwhat. Sara, dressed in a crocheted (?) top opening all the way down to belly button with apple green (?) shirt underneath, has apparently been waiting for Chris to pick her up for 90 minutes, busying herself by buying shoes in Westwood. They were bejeweled and similar to the styling of the Chinatown slippers that became commercially popular, but with a heel for added hold; one pair in yellow, and one in purple, $18 each. She is talking on the phone and tells whoever it is that she just ran into me, then hands me her moto. With eagerness and imperative, Chris tells me he'll be right there to pick us both up. How incredibly random! And he offers to take me to Palms! Blessed am I.

So on the way, I briefly tell them the happenings of my day, the week so far, how I am, how my family is, and how school is, in the order that Sara requests. That sequence in itself was interesting. I detail most about my family's dynamic in the house and how there had been tension throughout the year. I am happy to hear their support when I tell them about my meeting with my counselor.

I find Chris' new moosetash warm and amusing, like a woodsman with a cigar in his mouth, an ax in his hand, and a dismembered doe at his feet.
"It scratches my face," says Sara with a tone of contented annoyance.
"She gave me the idea. She said 'you should grow a mustache!'" And with a chuckle, "she was joking,"
"But you weren't!" I finished with a laugh.
"I hid it with a goatee, then one day bang! Mustache!"
I asked Chris if he still worked at the same lab, which he confirmed. Even more, he told me what he was currently doing.
"I'm volunteering at an elementary school, I'm counseling first year college students, I want to become a TA for one of my professors, I just finished applications for Grad school, but if I get into this Education fellowship where they would basically teach me how to teach, then I'll defer Grad school for a year."
"Where did you apply?"
"Stanford, Harvard, ...." I forgot the rest but they were all top notch universities, some Ivy Leagues.
"Oh, and Chris has been published twice!" bragged Sara, understandably so. "Most people work in labs for years and don't get published, and Chris got published two times in six months!"
"Yeah I just compiled some data, they asked for it, wrote something up, sent it back to me for revision, then that was it."

With all that I felt an intense burst of extreme pride, envy, and encouragement. Here was my friend, my roommate, who went from firecrotch to fuckin Alpha Male. My boy was making shit happen and I felt so damn proud to know it all. Too bad I wasn't keeping up during the year. But.. cot-dang son!

I gladly heard about their trip to Australia in the summer, them telling me about how great Zaq and his girl were doing and how he had just bought a house; telling me about how Poe and his friends treated them like royalty, housing them at his family's big home (where a tennis court is being built) and treating them to everything and anything.

I didn't get a chance to ask about Sara's happenings nor how they felt they themselves were doing as a couple. But the fact that they were still together and still quirky in the way they've always been led me to assume things couldn't be better. I wonder what their vows will be like... [shrug] we'll see hm?

As we neared Stephie's apartment on Military, I realized how close I was to Lydia's apartment on Westwood. I would find out later that Steph and Lydia go to the same gym on Overland. Curious.

I look forward to Friday even more, since Chris and Sara will be there.

...
Girltalk?

After some confusion as to what I remembered the apartment to look like and where the entrance was, I lurked around until I came across the right door, around 0630PM. Sitting at the dinner table was the always enchanting Michele Shen in a white lace lined tank (?) top, black tankini, white bra with baggy khaki-camel-mustard parachute cargos and a ribbon styled belt. Nice and casual and with her body type, cute as hell.

No one was home so we talked about what was up with her and her new marketing job at Pricegrabber.com. Apparently she doesn't like it too much, lamenting at how she should have stayed at her Yahoo! internship which paid $3k a month. Apparently the bigger .com's have money to burn. But she had just taken her GMAT's so here's to that.
I liked how they lined the top part of their ceiling with photos from their summer partying. Apparently I'm special because I'm one of few guys on that wall. [collar pop]
Finally Stephie popped in around 7ish.
"Sorry I'm late!" she cried, looking classy in a brilliant blue top, black knee length skirt and thin heeled toe covering shoes. She goes to change into thin corded tanned cigar pants which make her butt look oh so spankable. And then the three piggies went to market!
On the way to Vons, we remained relatively quiet as Stephie consoled a friend who seemed deeply troubled and emotional. When we got to the produce section, I decided not to make tomato beef because they already had broccoli and good tomatoes were 3 fucking 99 a pound. Picked up ingredients as well as a stash of sandwich food for myself. Later I would suggest to Dzuy to make a sandwich because noodle bowls just don't do it. No wonder he's so unfit.
We ended making one hell of a meal. It was great to cook for the girls again; I think maybe the third time Michele has eaten my Chynese styo kooking. The BEST broccoli beef I've ever made (this time because I hot soaked the broccoli first and used oyster sauce with the beef), tofu and peppers and mushroom, and Stephie's homemade short ribs (the best homemade ribs I've ever had, damn girl!). Though Michele swarmed the broccoli beef first and didn't have room for anything else. In the middle, Steffee (Michele's old roommate on Kelton and Stephanie's old "twin" friend from Gardena whom I became good friends with first year) came home from playing tennis. Looked good and sweaty in grey workout top, black under and black/grey pants.
So somehow I get to talking about Lydia which is no surprise because I've been telling all my friends about how I've been feeling about this lately. Ultimately they support me and wish she was dead. [haha]

...
The night is getting interesting.

Somewhere around 0830PM, I get a call from Shirley Lam, a friend whom I was planning on meeting up with later that night. Hmm there are some girls in this visit huh [shrug]. Shirley was a chick on my floor when I was the 3S PA second year. I was diggin at one point, yes; we liked the same music.
She asked if I was going to go to Temple Bar. Previously I wasn't going to, but at the mentioning that she would be, I reconsidered.
I asked the girls' advice.
"What do you think about me going to a show where my ex and her boyfriend will be there?"
"ohhh hell no! Don't do it, you'll only make yourself feel worse," exclaim two of them.
Steffee, meanwhile states, "if you feel you want to, then do it."
"Hmm... It's her boyfriend's friend's band. He helped found LCC and..."
"Illigan!" Mish exclaims. That's Randall's (?) band! Temple Bar! Tonight is Adrian and mine's hangout night and we're supposed to go there!"

Apparently, Adrian is LCC Alumni and is good friends with the first generations of LCC, some of which formed the theater group Propergander that Beau, Lydia's new boyfriend, is part of. Note that Lydia met him after a Propergander show last Fall. So, another circle completes and I'm left wondering why I keep gaining ties with her and how many coincidences (signs?) have occurred with us. Did I tell you about the time that I had on all black undergarments and she had on all white? Yes we did. Or about the time when she was about to delete me as speedial #2 and the words "speedial #2" played in her headphones from a song by Zero 7 about a breakup? There are others but those are the most recent. I remember her commenting on the side about "signs" in the same way I found out Sara did regarding an attempt to smoke out.
We start talking about Temple Bar and how Stef's never been and how much I like it, and after brief deliberation, I decide to go only if Steffee goes, which she decides to. And here is where I get nervous, excited, and adrenaline enriched.
...

How is it that I can fear that which I want so dearly? Or want that which I can't have? What madness is this?