Reignition... Crash & Burn

012505.
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reignition.

Ok I know I should stop talking to her, but I felt I needed to call her back so she wouldn't feel insulted, to tell her what I had written her in my letter, because she "hoped" to hear from me. True to form, it was a mistake.

I mean we resolved issues, we got to talk about us and get things off our chests and just try to understand each other. And before I could tell her how I meant to gain closure from the care package and inadvertantly opened my heart again, she said the magic words.

"Waylan, I know this is wrong; but we should have fucked when you were here."

after some shock, I actually totally agreed.

"Dude, I know. If there's anything that should have happened, that should have happened. It just should've happened! I mean I wrote you in my letter that the only complaint I have is that I can't do anything with you while you have a boyfriend."

"You're funny."

"But even if I wanted it, even if we could have... it wouldn't have happened."

But for the next 15 minutes the conversation went to sex. And in my head I kept regretting not trying to do something while I was at her place. Where, when, how could we have made it so it was ok to do it? I was racking my brain.

"uhh," as if I should have known. "Anytime, my place."

Well fuck me (and I wish she did.). She said she was proud for not having given in on Tuesday, that she was fiending because sex wasn't great the past week (because they had been doing it every day and his dick is small), but afraid of fucking things up with this new guy.

It was lovely to learn that while she felt so uncomfortable when we were together, she felt really good, gained a sense of closure after she examined my package [the care package]. It was even lovelier to hear that later on that night she was able to have great sex with her new guy.

You're laughing right? At how I subjugate myself to this right? Yup. I can't help it. It hurts to know and yet the voyeuristic images provide me sexual stimulus that is just short of therapeutic and nearing addictive. I can see how people become insane on this shit.

"Waylan...how I'm holding back right now... I hope one day I won't have to hold back with you."

I hate to say it, but ditto.

Later that night I laid restlessly in my bed, both loathing and fueling images of the two of them going at it after she gained happiness from my gift of "closure."

At least she was happy. and now orgasm capable.

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