A day date? Interesting...

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Today I only thought that I would talk to Camille and find out about her performance, which I thought would be on Wednesday Evening. But after working on my sunrise poem from January 2004 and being super amped about its new incarnation, impulse would have it that I call her to share. This led to me driving and picking her up from City College with the intent of seeing Constantine at the DC20.

My immediate impulse is to kiss her deeply to hold her in my arms and not let go. But I hold back; I barely get my arms around her.

She makes fun of my height. Freakin a she's 5'10". That's just funny. so many stupid jokes come out of my mouth its pathetic. All I want to do is make her laugh, because I don't want to have to be profound and romantic all the time. seriously, its taxing to put all my energy into the deepest meanings and philosophies. I hope we'll be able to connect on different levels.

Throughout the movie we sneak glances at each other like little kids. Its cute really. But I think I get the upper hand on this one because I sneak the longest looks without her seeing me. The whole damn time, I want to rip that armrest out and sit close to her, feel her against me, sense her curvature under my fingers. Closest I get is a lean over kiss (three, progressively more sensual) which prompts her to put her head on my shoulder while i turn my arm up and stroke her forehead. Sadly, after about 7 seconds she sits back up again with her knees at her chest. [shrug]

Yes I'm trying hard to read her body language, to see if it tells me anything. Nothing during the movie except that kiss. Which is fine as far as contact is concerned, I know its there. But, you know, something more concrete please.

When we get to the car, I make a fool of myself (a little) by closing the door and immediate getting into her face for a smoochie.

"Thanks for coming to the movie."

she backs off in shock, I suppose. but says "Thanks for driving me to the movie" and smooches because I'm all waiting up close..

She asks what I am thinking when I pull away, and I actually manage to tell the truth, partially.

I tell her that I'm wondering if we're on the same page, wondering about the differences between how I see her and how she sees me.

And from there.. she tells me a lot about herself and clarifies what she meant when she said "I'm a lot up here." Girl's got a background that's for sure. She wants compromise.. and domestication haha.. someone to connect but really just a friend, a true friend. I did not find many differences between what she said and what I kind of am looking for right now.

I mean, I haven't really found a true friend up here have I? The last true friend I had was Lydia and that became defunct almost a year ago. Even now our relationship is a tarnished remnant of what it once was, though I'm working on it; it probably has much to do with me and how I am essentially selective with my friendship towards her.

I told her about my naivete and awareness of my sad inability to prevent everything, including unconscious acts of negligence (reference Lydia). I told her I didn't want to hurt her as well (reference Jenay), and that while deep in my thought and sensory experiencing I'm still conservative and shy when it comes to matters of the heart "or whatnot."

I read her three things. three of the most powerful things I've written in recent memory. one was empowering, one was emotionally draining, and the other was actually about her.

i was excited to read her the new incarnation, officially titled "Apollo." during her review of the written words, she came across "Seven Words" written about Lydia. I reminded her that this was the one that fucked me up emotionally on Friday and went ahead and read it to her.
"what am I doing in here?" she asked with surprise and curiousity.

I had told her earlier that it had been a while since I had fantasized about someone. "I wrote something about you..."

"is it sexual?"

what an odd question! I didn't know how to answer necessarily because it kind of was, but what if it was? would she be offended? I kind of skirted around the issue because I wasn't truly ready to read that thing to her. Blasphemy! I've never done that. She is really going to kick some shit out of me that's for sure :).

It was weird, reading an account about someone to that someone, but I only did so when she commented that "no one's written anything about me before." No one's bothered to share it you mean.. haha.. she's dope how could no one use her as a subject?

I hesitantly read her what I wrote about my observations from Saturday night. I actually felt scared to tear my eyes away from my Palm to watch her reaction, though I knew she had one. I managed to omit saying that "smooth red undies and luscious breasts part" because you know, I don't know if that's cool yet.

but.. with a light touch on my knee, I knew she was moved.

"thanks for paying attention" she said meekly with trepidated affection.

"thanks for giving me something to observe. that's what i meant when I said I loved your room. there was a lot there for me to take in, to figure out who you are from.

"thanks for letting me share" I pleaded, hinting at my vulnerability to exposure.

I truly felt shy after that bit of sharing; she understood of course, it was me exposing myself. she knows much about that I suppose. she loves intensely, which while I am not so different, I am also not so familiar when it comes to someone else doing that. I mean, yes Lydia was an intense lover, but something about this is different. I know a bit more about Camille's past and its almost intimidating, though I was not as curious about it as I am now.

what does she mean by 'huge crush'?
what happened with her former relationships?
tell her about your nonexisting friendships. true friendships. you don't have as many as you think you have and probably no more than she does.
tell her that you wallow in her mystery.
drugs?
dildos?
what did she say about "infatuation?"
ask her if she is afraid to love freely because you feel the same way.
ask her how much of this is lust? because you know you lust for her. don't lie; you know you do, you dog you. [nod]
tell her you think about her a lot and that you would be around her always, if you could. right now that's what i'd like, but.. this is most probably a (fortunate) exercise in self control and discipline. for both of us. can it keep going? that's probably the issue. I think the pace sets the tone.